flows

After a pretty rocky week, I had a pretty lovely weekend. Pretty much just leaned into not doing anything and spent a lot of time on a mission to find the perfect shoes for D's sister's wedding.

I woke up today feeling refreshed and texted Ellen to say I felt like another friend of ours who, for a few years now, has been that person who poo-poos partying and always wants to go to bed early. I felt like her, but not in a bad way. I felt like I "got it," and then felt sort of lame. But feeling healthy honest-to-god feels better than feeling momentarily cool.

"Cool," a thing I am tired of. I bought expensive patent loafers and have been wearing them almost every day. A few nights ago Natasha, Edie, Claire and I went to Fanelli and I was wearing an oversized blazer, silk green trousers, patterned socks, these loafers, and a headband and I felt like a morally bankrupt boy from a 1980s movie or novel. I think the 50 or so pages I read of the Secret History got to my head. I stood with my hands in my pockets a lot and smoked cigarettes with bravado. Yesterday, I wore these same loafers and a black miniskirt to go pick up my wedding shoes from Bergdorf's and I wondered, why don't I have more mini-skirts. Not mini-mini but just like I have nice legs mini. The things we miss out on when we're driven by habit.

Anyway, I think in some way I am desiring self-mythology; I don't think I like the expectations that are had of me by people I'm not close to. I'm drawn back to the way I dressed in high school, maybe because of this. When I didn't fuck with the majority of kids at school and wanted to blend in with college kids and 20 somethings at shows or the flea market or whatever. I guess high school was about self-mythologizing. I guess also I hate the way most of my peers–distant peers–dress. It's so mindless. Anyway, this is just my screed against youth culture.

D and I watched The Beach Bum the other night and it was beautiful. Why didn't anyone tell us this movie was so beautiful? I trust public opinion less and less every day.

We also tried to watch this doc Jawline about teens trying to make it big in social media and it was the most depressing stuff either of us had seen in a while. A little bit high, we agreed our children won't be allowed access to social media until they are 13 or so. We'll see how that goes.