hmm

Almost had a logistical disaster yesterday with preparations for the play. Nothing gives me more anxiety than depending on a number of people and at the same time being depended on to deliver by another number of people. This seems very bad considering the things I'd like to accomplish in life, all of which require sitting in that awkward position.

This really put me in a fragile state and I also had this piece of writing come out in the afternoon while I waited to find out about the logistical nightmare that might be coming my way.

These things together, I think, made me really weird for the rest of the day. Also on my period so I just feel like a skinned fruit of some sort. I almost cried this morning at breakfast with D, and at that moment knew I needed to calm down.

I texted Ellen who is always really good in moments like this. We texted a bit about the whole thing and other general anxiety and my head is on straight now.

Anyway, I hate feeling completely under the boot of my own feelings. At least this time, when the logistical nightmare began, I didn't completely shut down. Usually I'd flip out because things weren't going as planned. I'm becoming more, as they say, flexible. This is a really good thing. I just told the person who the nightmare involved to keep me posted and took some deep breaths. The only problem is that, while I can calm myself down about one thing, the anxiety will just seep into another room in my brain. This resulted in me putting off calling a bar in Los Angeles that I need to reserve an evening at for an event, not drinking any water from like 2-5pm, asking D if he's okay every five minutes,  and convincing myself that my eyes are too far apart.

Anyway the logistical nightmare is over and I feel a little better, though it's proved exactly how stressed out I am about the play and that the next person who tells me I can handle it and it will all be fine no problem is going to really get it. It's good to be in this position, first to have the chance to screw up as hugely as I have the chance to right now but also second: to care so much and finally also to want to make sure everyone has what they needs. I'm nice and ambitious.

D and I went to Dimes Sq. the other night and ran into a smattering of art world people. We ended up hanging out with them a while and I had a fun time but then in retrospect felt so bad about the whole thing. I don't really enjoy hanging out with people I don't see that often, especially people who perhaps imagine that we are closer than we are because of social media or something. But really, I just don't like people who like to tell you about how you are, the things you love, the desires you have. I was told by someone that I love being in the art world more than most people they know, in the context of discussing how everyone is trying to leave it. I had no idea where this idea came from; maybe from my age and relatively robust CV considering it? I just love the art world so goddamn much I want to always be doing something in it. Or maybe because I only post about art-world things I am doing on Instagram and not much else? This isn't because I love the art world, but because I don't really like or know most of the people who follow me on Instagram and don't care to share things with them. Anyway, I also got interrogated about some other choices I was making, I think with the hope that I'd stumble into outing myself for some crypto-fascist beliefs. It all made me wonder if I seem suss or like, am not particularly well-liked among my peers. This might count as narcissistic, though. I can't assume that they're thinking about me at all.

Anyway, the parts of my world that have been disappointing in the last year or so continue to disappoint and the parts that I love enduringly continue to deliver, so I can't really complain. Also, haters do make you famous.